Family Blessings

Today my family blessed me.  They celebrated my recent graduation with a meal, and each family member gave me a piece of advice.  They advised me to…

CE: learn to cook many things before I get married.

BR: give guys a “no thank you” date.

CS: eat at least 7 meals a week unless I am fasting.

AN: avoid making big decisions out of desperation.

GB: review any decision I make with the Lord.

GM: be kind.  And also to ask my grandma about everything, because she knows.

CO: make sure he’s the one before you jump the gun.

UA: consider long courtship and short engagement.

DS: avoid perfection.

ML: be a servant to all, especially Jesus.

BJ: lavish my resources on others.

I loved receiving their advice, because I knew they spoke to bring good things into my life and not harm.  Each person also spoke out of their own life experiences and values, mixed with what they know about me as a person.  And they also prayed for me, which was the best of all.  I felt loved.

It didn’t hurt that we ended the evening with a hilarious game of signs, in which my grandpa’s sign was picking his nose with his pinky finger.  This was followed by a cousin dance-off, and much laughter.

Therefore, I am preparing to enter a new year in kindness, serving others, and lavishing my resources.  By God’s grace, eating will continue to come naturally to me, and perfection will be avoided.  I’ll have to keep working on my cooking and carefully handle my decisions.  The dating and engagement advice will have to wait a while longer though.

From the Bible

¹ How the king rejoices in your strength, O Lord!
      He shouts with joy because you give him victory.
 ² For you have given him his heart’s desire;
      you have withheld nothing he requested.
Psalm 21:1-2

I just like these verses.

For my kids:

Well, no I don't have any of my own kids yet (not even close), but I always find myself thinking about them.  I think of activities that would be fun to do with them, and I think of things I want them to learn, things I want to teach them, and creative ways to help them learn those things that are important.  I've always loved kids.  They are so fun, and when I am with them, my mind is always working.  Life becomes simpler, and I find myself thinking of life in terms of how I could explain it to the kids around me.

What is there to explain, you ask?  There are so many things I learned when I was growing up, but some things I wish someone had explained to me.  And it's not that no one explained it to me, it's just that no one explained it to me in a way that I "got it."  Or I just wish I had "gotten it" earlier.  It feels like life would have been easier or have made more sense if I had just understood sooner.  Or like I would have been able to have practiced more or experimented more effectively with my actions if I had known sooner.

Life is continual discovery.  I always want to keep learning new things, even when I am old.  Perhaps thinking about what I want to teach my kids is just a way that I try to cement the things that I am learning in my own mind.  Because I know that in order to be an effective teacher I must appropriate what I am learning to my own life.

They will have so much to learn, so it is impossible to teach them everything.  Above all, I want my kids to love Jesus!  I want them to learn to follow him in everything, and run to him with every concern.  I want them to experience his peace, love,  and joy just like I do!

In this spirit, posts may follow to explain some of what I want to teach my kids.

My theory

...or really my passion--I've discovered it!

Families are my passion.  I want to help families be whole and healthy.  I want to help parents raise their kids well.  I want kids to feel loved and invested in by their parents, and to be best friends with their parents, just like I am with mine.  I absolutely love the experience I had growing up in my family.  And I want everyone to be able to say the same thing.

Every family is different, but I think a family is successful when kids feel substantially equipped by their parents, and emotionally close to their parents, so that when they grow up, children and parents are able to relate to each other as close friends, able to mutually encourage each other.  A child should feel that his parents are his most supportive allies.  I believe this kind of encouraging and supportive relationship can be maintained even through developmental years.

I have often tried to put these concepts together in my mind, sort of in search of a theory to neatly summarize what makes a family good.  Here are my thoughts on a few key components:
Consistent time together: families need consistent time spent together to be friends with each other and get to know each other.  The time spent together will foster the most openness and support if vulnerability and value are present in those times.
Vulnerability: mutual sharing of concerns, struggles, dreams, desires.  Sharing the deep places together vulnerably contributes to closeness in a family and enables them to understand one another.  It also leads to opportunities to value each other.
Value: Communicated a number of ways, value is placed on others especially in moments of vulnerability.  It comes through empathy, encouraging words, words of hope about the future, speaking to a person's identity, and also through physical touch and all the other love languages.

Parents are responsible for arranging/requiring consistent times of interaction for the family.  Within those times parents must invite vulnerability and model valuing of family members, and vice versa as well.  Children will grow into these traits as they see them modeled are invited by parents to practice them.

So I realize this post is a little over-enthusiastic and simplistic, but it's a work in progress.  Thoughts?  Additions?

Unfinished Stories

Have you ever wondered what to say when someone asks how something or someone has changed your life?

My experience usually goes something like this:
Question I read in a book: "How has Jesus changed your life?"
My thoughts: "I'm supposed to have a great answer to this question."
Book: Gives wonderful example answer involving turning from a life of addiction, dramatic conversion experience, and ninjas.
My thoughts: "hmm, my story isn't really like that."  "What is my story?"  "Why can't I think of anything?"  "Did Jesus really make a difference in my life?"  "Sarah, don't be silly, of course he did!  You have learned and grown so much!"  "Why can't I think of anything?"

I mean, my story isn't like the other stories I hear that sound, well, exciting and dramatic.  My story feels much more steady and even-keeled, with no huge turning points, only lots of little ones.  It's always bothered me that I find it difficult to answer the question, "How has Jesus changed your life?"

I think it's because all my stories are unfinished.  There's nothing I can look at and say, "I used to really mess this up, but now I get it right."  It doesn't mean I'm not changing and learning, it just means I'm learning and changing more of the same things continually.

Here are some of the dimensions where my life keeps changing:
Learning to spend time with Jesus
Knowing Jesus
Learning who Jesus says I am
Learning to share and be generous
Learning humility
Learning to love other people with actions
Learning to communicate acceptance with words

There are many others, those are just the few that come to mind at the moment.  The thing is, they're all unfinished.

Rejection.

The door is closed.
It seems unopenable, impenetrable, immovable;
it doesn't really matter that it was closed inch by inch
until the last crack of light disappeared,
instead of slammed shut in an instant;
it is closed for now.
The phone buzzes.
It's a final word from a former friend,
words of anger, words that pierce;
"I don't like what you said, I won't be your friend,"
the message sinks past defenses to the vulnerable heart;
will it stay that way?
Avoided glances.
This hurts almost more than the words that were spoken,
a constant reminder of friend torn asunder,
and the heart wants to harden, to strengthen defenses,
to numb all the hurts,
yet it remains open.

25 pages...

means I have just finished writing the longest paper of my life.

I am happy to say I have come a long ways in paper-writing since I first started this blog.  No, I do not have many blog posts to show for the paper I just finished.  But I understand the process a lot better.  Or rather, I've developed a process that's starting to work for me.

For this paper I knew I had to start more than a month in advance for several reasons: 1) I had never written a paper longer than 16 pages and didn't even know if I was capable of writing 25 pages of double-spaced text; 2) my prof straight up required us to have 20 sources; 3) I decided based on previous paper-writing experiences that familiarity with sources definitely helps the medicine go down; 4) reading 20 sources takes a very long time.

Well, I didn't end up reading 20 sources, but I did read significant parts of at least 13 sources.  In fact, out of all the time I spent on this paper, probably about half of it was spent reading and taking notes on sources.  I hadn't written anything aside from a single blog entry (on the medical model) until less than a week before my paper was due.

For the sake of drama, let me chronicle the last few days of the process leading up to the Monday 12:30pm due date:

Thursday.  Usually I'd be busy seeing clients all day, but I had half the day off, so I finished reading a source I had started and was able to write the first 2 pages of my paper.

Friday. After working two hours at my job in the morning I come home and send out a call to prayer by email to faithful friends letting them know I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the prospect of writing 23 more pages by Monday.  I work until my meeting at 5pm, and still have only written 2 more pages.  The girls I meet with from 5-6:15pm encourage me that God will help me write my paper.  I go home and write another 4 pages, and also add in the blog about the medical model, which puts me up to 9 pages.  I am not feeling very happy with the pace of my writing and estimate that if I continue at the same pace I will not finish on time.

Saturday.  I wake up and read my Bible and ask Jesus to help me with my paper.  While I am praying, I get the idea that instead of writing sections of the paper in order, section by section, I should try writing source by source, and just plug in the information from each source into the appropriate section.  I apply this strategy and work until a bridal shower that night, with a brief break to choreograph some of my new rap parody.  By the time I leave for the shower I have 17 pages, which has me feeling very pleased.  I come home and am able to add only 1 more page, putting my total up to 18.  I have finished adding the information from all my source notes, and I go to bed.

Sunday. It's my Sabbath, so I don't work on my paper at all.  Now maybe you understand why I was afraid of not finishing.

Monday.  I wake up at 6am and work straight until 11:45am.  I had been sleeping a little fitfully the night before and woke up ready to start working.  I had been worried about what I would add to my paper, not knowing how I would get another 7 pages since I had already used the information from my sources.  But I just start working through the paper and adding transitions and explanations between all the information from my sources, and the paper keeps growing.  At 11:45 I had three lines on the 25th page.  Done.  I emailed it in and left the house within ten minutes to catch the bus.  I even made it to class on time.  I feel AWESOME!  I think I am smiling super huge and dancing in my seat the whole bus ride.  I try not to smile to big at my classmates who all look dead tired, but I feel FULL of energy and enthusiasm.

What did I learn? 

1. Source by source writing is TONS easier than section by section writing.  Before I wasted so much time looking for the facts I needed and wondering if I was missing anything.  This way it was all included and I just put it in whatever section needed it most.  I'm really thankful God shared that secret with me :)
2. Jesus provides for me!  And that's why I take a Sabbath, to remember that Jesus can provide for me and does provide for me despite my best efforts.
3. Reading sources and taking notes on them is worth it.
4. I can write 9 pages in one day.
5. Starting to actually write more than a week in advance would probably be a great idea next time.
6. Finishing a task that seemed overwhelming and impossible well and on time is a completely exhilarating feeling!

Oh, and the paper was about evidence-based practice in psychology, but who cares?