sarspin: March 2011

…or in the jungles of Thailand, as it were.

This consultation was not well known outside of certain circles, nor was it advertised beyond a few notifications. It was arranged by humble people doing significant work, and attended by the same. I did not have much idea of what to expect in coming here, but what I found was valued relationships, insightful discussions, rest for the weary, and vulnerable stories.

What made the conference so beautiful was the people who came. We had counselors, professors, community leaders, counselor-trainers, students, spouses, nonprofit workers, and supervisors. And they came from a variety of backgrounds, some from Chinese backgrounds, some from Western backgrounds, and some from a mix, and current living situations in all parts of China (Beijing, Chengdu, Sichuan, Kunming), Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, Malaysia, and America. Some came as teams, some as individuals, some as couples, and even some as families. Many already knew some others, and many new connections were made.

Our backgrounds greatly enriched the conference but also posed some challenges. The greatest challenge revolved around the truly bilingual composure of our group. A little more than half of our 28 participants spoke Chinese as their heart language, and the remaining spoke English. Of course, the vast majority of the group spoke both languages, enough to benefit from proceedings in either language, but a few speakers did not understand much at all of the other language. So even though the least bilingual among us spoke at least some of the other language, it was not enough to understand a session. This meant that a burden of translation fell onto the small portion of our members who spoke both languages well enough to translate.

Translation was a struggle throughout the conference, and taxed our most fluent members heavily. We tried several different strategies, most often choosing to have simultaneous translation for small groups of people at a time so as not to slow down our meetings. This language divide also permeated our informal interactions, with participants of the same heart language more likely to connect with each other than primary speakers of opposite languages. However, I was impressed to see bilingual meal tables and a lot of code-switching (e.g. switching between English and Chinese), and plenty of persistent participants making connections with speakers of opposite languages as well.

Personally, I found the bilingual nature of this conference delightful yet stretching. I was a little nervous when, as a primary English speaker, I was placed in a small group with three primary Chinese speakers. I thought our small group would probably have to operate completely in Chinese, and worried that this might keep me from fully participating. Our small group did operate mostly in Chinese, but I was absolutely delighted to discover that I could understand almost everything that my group members were saying. Of course I didn’t understand every single word, but I understood their stories and what they were communicating. And I even learned new words, and was reminded of old words I had forgotten, just from context. This is extremely exciting to me because my cross-cultural growing up experience has made language a crucial issue for me. One of my greatest longings is to have more language ability. It is always disappointing when I realize how much more there is to learn, or compare my Chinese ability to my English ability and find them so disparate. Conversely, it is always a great joy when I discover that I have succeeded in a new way or have made significant progress in learning Chinese. The new success that I delighted in this time was that of understanding Chinese spoken on a vulnerable heart level. Never before had I had Chinese friends communicate with me on the heart level in Chinese. I felt I was opening new doors of potential for vulnerability in cross-cultural friendships. I still cannot communicate in Chinese on that heart level, so thankfully my group was able to find a happy medium in that it was completely acceptable for me to talk in English, since they all understood it well enough to understand what I was saying. So we had a small group in which each of us spoke in our heart language, and all of us understood. This was truly precious to me.

It was stretching too in that I also got tired. I can understand a lot, but it takes more work to understand Chinese than it does to just listen in English. Listening in English is like breathing. Listening in Chinese is like treading water. My mother would add that listening to both simultaneously is like running uphill. I sincerely admire international students who have learned English as a second language and now attend classes in that language. If I was already feeling tired, I had to force myself to keep paying attention and understanding instead of just tuning out. There are also other levels of understanding that I have not yet reached. When in our meeting we watched four group members have an academic-level discussion on major issues that arise in doing counseling in the Chinese Christian world, there was too much that I could not understand, so I had to listen to someone else translate. I dream of the day when I will be able to not only understand that level of discussion, but also communicate well enough to participate.

This conference also produced the treasure of rich discussions built on our diverse backgrounds, and facilitated by our flexible schedule. When attending a conference, one usually expects to be given a schedule of specifically what will happen when, accompanied by appropriate descriptions. The schedules that we were given upon arrival had very little detail, as well as very little correspondence to what actually happened during our conference. I suppose fewer numbers of people all staying in the same place and eating the same meals does allow for easy rescheduling with just one announcement. What really happened is that we would start one session and everyone got so involved that it went overtime. Also, we took long breaks. The breaks were supposed to be only 30 minutes long, but they turned out to be more like an hour long. However, no one seemed to mind, because what was happening during the breaks was the same as what was happening in the sessions, people were sharing stories and learning from each other and encouraging each other. In fact, this is what happened the whole week no matter what we were doing. Whether we were in a session, in small groups, eating, walking, or just standing around talking, the stories and learning continued.

We had two “fishbowl” discussions that were particularly interesting. Four or five people were chosen to discuss a certain topic while everyone else watched. For the first we had a professor, a community leader, a counselor-trainer/director, and a former community leader who is now a counselor. All were native Chinese with experience working in China. They discussed tricky issues involved in doing counseling in the Chinese world. It seems there are a complicated set of expectations that clients have for counselors and community leaders in China. For example, community leaders are often expected to do counseling for free for members of their community. At the same time, the members may not really be serious about doing the necessary work of counseling, and use the community leader’s lack of counseling qualifications as an excuse not to engage. Some community leaders are really not qualified, and most are overburdened with other responsibilities. Others actually are qualified, and for them it can be helpful to let clients know their qualifications. Clients in China respect qualifications and will be more likely to engage if they know they are working with a professional. On the other hand, there are not many counselors at all in China, so people in certain communities are being trained to do the work of counseling without going through a formal program, by other counselors. It was also suggested that any clients be asked to pay at least a small sum of money so that they would take counseling more seriously and be willing to engage in the work.

The second fishbowl had a Chinese couple who had worked in the aftermath of the Sichuan earthquake for three years, and three other people to listen and reflect with them. Their stories were incredible and heartbreaking. Since they were living in the earthquake zone, they too experienced the aftershocks and trauma. They would visit a small town and return later to find it completely wiped out by an aftershock. People disappeared as quakes continued to shake. All day long they listened to other people’s stories and grief. They were so full themselves that this put a lot of tension on their marriage. The husband wanted to be alone after hearing other people’s stories all day, but the wife wanted someone to talk to. And in some cases, the grief they were dealing with was so intense, that the wife described feeling like an idiot and not knowing anything to do. So she just sat for three days with children who had lost both their parents because their father killed their mother in his trauma, not saying anything. She realized the children were talking to the dog, and that was the only time they would talk. So she talked to the dog too. She was able to bond with them by just being there for three days, feeling their pain and talking to the dog. Slowly this couple is being restored and renewed. They have left the earthquake zone and are learning to laugh again. They have more time to be together as a couple, but this is a burden that leaves slowly.

We also had several case consultations, where a member would share about a client, and the rest of us would listen and give feedback. One psychotherapist was working in a Malaysian city that did not have many other therapists. She was the only one with her level of qualifications, working at a local hospital. A man with schizophrenia came to see her, but became explosive and threatening when she confronted him about sending her long emails that he expected her to read in between sessions (and in smaller communities it is much more difficult to limit access to your email address). She struggled with on one hand feeling compassionate toward him and wanting to help him but on the other hand feeling extremely threatened by him. His psychiatrist had already told him that he could only be seen for prescribing medicine and not for psychotherapy. In situations like these it seems best for the counselor to become a mobilizer of resources. She cannot continue to see him, but what she can do is recommend other resources to him. Also, confidentiality became a different story after she found out he was her next door neighbor. People in the complex need to know, since he is in danger of harming her. Other stories were shared and this was a valuable venue for discussing some of the challenges of providing care within a smaller community where the counselor may also be part of the community. It becomes essential for the community as a whole to take on some burdens of caring for hurting individuals in their midst. Again, confidentiality becomes a different issue and the counselor needs to help clients become part of community.

None of these were planned or scheduled before the conference started, but anything that happened became a platform for rich interactions full of insight.

More vulnerable stories were shared during small group times and saturated our informal interactions. These went hand in hand with rest for the weary, because part of the soul is restored when it has a chance to share its burdens with a kindred spirit. I had my own story unpacked when I realized through conversation with my TCK roommate for the conference that I had “more issues than I thought” when it comes to crossing cultures. There were painful aspects of my experience that I had ignored and thought I had skipped over. But I realized I hadn’t skipped over them, I merely failed to recognize them. It felt so relieving to be with someone who understood because she had experienced the same, and it was good to hear her insights.

The other aspect of rest was just getting away from our normal routines and schedules, escaping to the beautiful mountains of Thailand, just up the road from an elephant training camp. I heard people exclaiming how they were so grateful to come to this conference because it was giving them rest for their minds, souls, and bodies. The flexible schedule also made the conference more restful, because it gave a feel of doing whatever was needed, instead of pressure to get things done or obey a schedule.

This conference was incredibly valuable to me and others who attended. It gave us the opportunity to connect with like-minded people and care for each other. Some participants previously felt very isolated in their work and ministry, but now feel they have support accessible through a quick email or phone call. It gave us a chance to listen to and learn from each others’ experiences. It gave us a chance to rest. It enriched our perspectives on counseling in the Chinese world. This conference was truly a blessing.
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So were the elephants down the road...