Community

How do those who come out of cohesive families, but themselves remain single, deal with their loss of family as primary community?  What are the core elements of experiences of rejection or inclusion?  Many people seem to find meaning from how they are, or are not, relating to other people.  Is that meaning entrenched in the hearts of all?


Definition of COMMUNITY (from Merriam-Webster online)

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: a unified body of individuals: asa : state, commonwealthb : the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly : the area itself <the problems of a largecommunity>c : an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common locationd : a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society <a communityof retired persons>e : a group linked by a common policyf : a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests <the international community>g : a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society <the academiccommunity>

Everyone experiences community in at least one of the ways described by the definitions above.  My favorite combination of those definitions would be: a unified body of various kinds of individuals, interacting together in a common location and linked by common interests or beliefs.

My family as community could be described as: a group of individuals with a common history, sharing their emotions, reflections, and decisions with each other.  That was my first community, and my primary community for 18 years.  I wonder how it shaped my view of communities now.

Kingdom of Couches

Do people need me or do I need them?  In church, when I go to talk to people after the service, is it because I want to serve them and care for their needs, or is it because I want them to know me, be familiar with me, and like me?  Let's not kid ourselves, it's the second one.  What about in frisbee?  What about in lifegroup?  What about when I'm hanging out with friends?  This needs to change.  This needs to change because I am acting selfishly and the Bible specifically tells me not to act this way.  It says "do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought," and "look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."  The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I recently reread part of a book (a really good book called the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker)  that asked the question: "Would you rather go to heaven now, or later?"  The author went around asking people this question and found that most people said later, because they still wanted to enjoy life for a while.  I mean, I find myself thinking there are still things I want to do here on earth too, and they're not particularly spiritual things besides the fact that they fit into my spiritual life quite nicely.  You know, I want to get married to a really godly guy, I want to have kids and raise them to love Jesus, and I want to tell people about Jesus in another country, potentially because that's a really acceptable excuse to live in another country.  If heaven is really way better, which it is, then it definitely makes sense for me to want to go there right away, instead of hanging around to enjoy life.  Paul's attitude in Philippians is that he wants to go to heaven and prefers it, but knows he needs to stay on earth longer to encourage all the churches he is mentoring.  Pretty much, he is staying for others, and not for himself.  He is living missionally.

Anyway, the Lord is really wowing me with this idea this afternoon, so I'm going to try to live it.  I will most likely fail, but please feel free to remind me to live to serve others whenever you see me messing up.  This post is dedicated to two wise women who gave me advice less than a month ago to be kind, and to serve others.  And also to my didi, who told me to lavish resources on others. 

For an excerpt of the book, the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker, go here: http://crupress.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/files/products/kingdom.pdf

Family Blessings

Today my family blessed me.  They celebrated my recent graduation with a meal, and each family member gave me a piece of advice.  They advised me to…

CE: learn to cook many things before I get married.

BR: give guys a “no thank you” date.

CS: eat at least 7 meals a week unless I am fasting.

AN: avoid making big decisions out of desperation.

GB: review any decision I make with the Lord.

GM: be kind.  And also to ask my grandma about everything, because she knows.

CO: make sure he’s the one before you jump the gun.

UA: consider long courtship and short engagement.

DS: avoid perfection.

ML: be a servant to all, especially Jesus.

BJ: lavish my resources on others.

I loved receiving their advice, because I knew they spoke to bring good things into my life and not harm.  Each person also spoke out of their own life experiences and values, mixed with what they know about me as a person.  And they also prayed for me, which was the best of all.  I felt loved.

It didn’t hurt that we ended the evening with a hilarious game of signs, in which my grandpa’s sign was picking his nose with his pinky finger.  This was followed by a cousin dance-off, and much laughter.

Therefore, I am preparing to enter a new year in kindness, serving others, and lavishing my resources.  By God’s grace, eating will continue to come naturally to me, and perfection will be avoided.  I’ll have to keep working on my cooking and carefully handle my decisions.  The dating and engagement advice will have to wait a while longer though.

For my kids:

Well, no I don't have any of my own kids yet (not even close), but I always find myself thinking about them.  I think of activities that would be fun to do with them, and I think of things I want them to learn, things I want to teach them, and creative ways to help them learn those things that are important.  I've always loved kids.  They are so fun, and when I am with them, my mind is always working.  Life becomes simpler, and I find myself thinking of life in terms of how I could explain it to the kids around me.

What is there to explain, you ask?  There are so many things I learned when I was growing up, but some things I wish someone had explained to me.  And it's not that no one explained it to me, it's just that no one explained it to me in a way that I "got it."  Or I just wish I had "gotten it" earlier.  It feels like life would have been easier or have made more sense if I had just understood sooner.  Or like I would have been able to have practiced more or experimented more effectively with my actions if I had known sooner.

Life is continual discovery.  I always want to keep learning new things, even when I am old.  Perhaps thinking about what I want to teach my kids is just a way that I try to cement the things that I am learning in my own mind.  Because I know that in order to be an effective teacher I must appropriate what I am learning to my own life.

They will have so much to learn, so it is impossible to teach them everything.  Above all, I want my kids to love Jesus!  I want them to learn to follow him in everything, and run to him with every concern.  I want them to experience his peace, love,  and joy just like I do!

In this spirit, posts may follow to explain some of what I want to teach my kids.

Rejection.

The door is closed.
It seems unopenable, impenetrable, immovable;
it doesn't really matter that it was closed inch by inch
until the last crack of light disappeared,
instead of slammed shut in an instant;
it is closed for now.
The phone buzzes.
It's a final word from a former friend,
words of anger, words that pierce;
"I don't like what you said, I won't be your friend,"
the message sinks past defenses to the vulnerable heart;
will it stay that way?
Avoided glances.
This hurts almost more than the words that were spoken,
a constant reminder of friend torn asunder,
and the heart wants to harden, to strengthen defenses,
to numb all the hurts,
yet it remains open.

Hopes and Fears for Counseling

The purpose of the present post is to complete an assignment.  Surprisingly, though an assignment, this post will be a reflective post.  Fortuitously I have one class this semester that requires regular reflective posts.  But rest assured, I also already have academic papers that have been assigned for the semester, so practice on that front will be unavoidable.
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What are my hopes and fears for counseling this semester?  In learning a new skill it is only natural that I hope to be good at it.  Yes, I hope that the people I counsel will experience positive change in their lives as a result of our time together.  I hope to be a good listener for each client I see.  I hope that my clients feel accepted and encouraged by me.  I want to be a voice of encouragement in situations of despair and disappointment.  I want to help my clients gain insight into their lives.  I hope that they will get a glimpse of God's love for each of them, through me.  I hope my clients will trust me and be honest with me.

However, I also know that I will not be good at counseling.  So I have hopes to learn this semester.  I hope to learn from my supervisor, my peers, and my clients about things I am doing well, things I am doing poorly, and things I can do to improve.  I hope to learn to how to solicit honest feedback from my clients.  I hope to receive feedback well, and to learn much from it.  I hope to gain insight and method in the way that I think about individual clients, reflect on past sessions, and plan for future sessions.  I hope that a theory will find me, or at least begin to find me.

Practically, I hope for a good caseload.  I hope for clients who will be reliable in returning phone calls, coming to appointments, and calling to cancel an appointment.  I hope for very few no-shows, even though I have been told this wish is unlikely to be fulfilled.

I also hope, as in everything that I do, to learn more about God through counseling.  I hope to gain his heart of compassion for each person I meet with.  I hope to understand his purpose for me and for the world in a deeper way.  I hope to hear from him what he thinks about each of my clients, and commit each of them to him in prayer.

I fear going into sessions and not knowing what to do or what to say.  I fear being panicked when the time comes to bring the client in from the waiting room.  I fear handling an emergency or a suicidal client, and messing up the procedure for what I'm supposed to do at the CAC.  I hope to commit these fears to God in prayer, so that I am not overwhelmed by them.

I am afraid of disappointing my supervisor, because I want his approval.  I hope for a great relationship with him.

I worry that I will be so busy with other schoolwork that I will neglect doing things that I should to prepare for sessions.  I do not know how much time I will spend watching tapes and preparing for sessions.  I think that there will always be more that I could do to prepare, and I worry about not doing enough.  Thus I fear not being able to manage all my responsibilities well, and being distracted in all I undertake.  I hope to find a good balance.
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I wonder if this post would have been much different if I had also included expectations.