Revelations from Procrastination

Things are changing inside of me, always.  Usually the change is gradual and not very noticeable, but this week there was a pretty abrupt change.  It came, not surprisingly, after a conversation with my parents.  We had been talking about a particular homework assignment, that I felt bad (bad is rather an understatement of something better described as terrible, depressed, or hopeless) about because I considered myself two weeks overdue, still having written nothing and having little to no idea how to do the assignment, paired with about the same amount of motivation.  My parents were somewhat surprised (perhaps even shocked?) to discover that I was that far behind on an assignment.  When I considered their reaction, I decided that I also was shocked.  Shocked.  That's not who I am, and not what I want.  Sarah does not finish her assignments late.  I spent the next day or so mourning the loss of my former self, during which time I also took two personality inventories for one of my classes.  This only compounded my grief, because the inventories asked me to rate the truth of statements like "I always turn in work on time" or "I work steadily towards deadlines" or "I am reliable."  I could not honestly endorse those items, and personality profiles are supposed to be enduring features of a person's way of being in the world, so it felt like I was forever changed.

Beauty is born out of ashes, and out of my grief came a newfound resolve to dedicate myself to the rigors of graduate school.  The first thing I decided was that I would not play ultimate frisbee until I had finished the assignment.  I decided this on a Tuesday and I was supposed to play in league that night.  I also usually play pick-up ultimate on Fridays and Sundays.  Ultimate is a great way to exercise; the only problem is that when I play ultimate it rarely takes less than three hours per occasion.  This led to something that has not happened in quite some time: I spent a weekend at home, not traveling anywhere, in which I did not play ultimate or hang out with my ultimate frisbee friends.  I also took a real Sabbath (day of rest to remember that God is the one who provides for me, and he can do it without my help, so it's appropriate for me to take a day off) on Saturday.  Mine have been rather lame lately, including travel and days that were scheduled almost to capacity.  This time not only did I not do work, but I also did not plan more than two activities with other people.

This series of rare events led to many discoveries:

• Six extra hours on a weekend is quite significant, though it's more like ten extra if you count the amount I usually hang out with my frisbee friends
• Biking is awesome and I love it
• Naps are also awesome
• I like doing homework at a relaxed pace, and I learn a lot more that way too
•  There are cool people in my life who I usually don't have time to hang out with
• I am addicted to recognition from groups of people (I discovered this after church on Sunday when I found myself disappointed that I didn't get any invitations to Easter lunch/brunch, even though I knew it would be better for me to come home, relax, and study.  Once I got home I truly enjoyed getting to relax at home instead of being in a group of people talking.  This is true in many other circumstances as well, but I constantly find myself accepting invitations to hang out with people and undervaluing time I get to myself at home.)

I wish I could write more because my thoughts related to this topic are nowhere near finished, but that homework assignment is calling my name ;)

Rejection.

The door is closed.
It seems unopenable, impenetrable, immovable;
it doesn't really matter that it was closed inch by inch
until the last crack of light disappeared,
instead of slammed shut in an instant;
it is closed for now.
The phone buzzes.
It's a final word from a former friend,
words of anger, words that pierce;
"I don't like what you said, I won't be your friend,"
the message sinks past defenses to the vulnerable heart;
will it stay that way?
Avoided glances.
This hurts almost more than the words that were spoken,
a constant reminder of friend torn asunder,
and the heart wants to harden, to strengthen defenses,
to numb all the hurts,
yet it remains open.

When I was 22...

I started my 23rd year with a long day of interviewing for grad school.  It turned out to be the longest, most tiring interview out of all of them.  It also turned out to be worth it, since it was an interview for the school I now attend as a first year Counseling Psychology doctoral student.  Because I planned to be at interviews all day, my expectations were very low.  I didn't expect anyone I was around to know it was my birthday, and none of the people who knew it was my birthday would have access to me.  So I was delighted when my parents called me internationally to wish me happy birthday, as I was being driven to campus.  And the day ended with ice cream and a good conversation with my host, who is now my roommate!

In my 23rd year God provided for me greatly.  He got me accepted at one school, so I would know where to go.  He affirmed me in his plan for me by giving me a housing offer from my roommate, the very same day I decided to go to the program.  He also gave me funding through an assistantship two days later.  He had me invited to go to a church at an interview, so that I would want to check out the sister church in the town I ended up in.  And that church has made all the difference here.  God graduated me from college.  He gave me rest during the summer.  He gave me a life in a new town.  He gave me a road bike AND a car.

There were many hard things.  I struggled to learn how to rest.  I had to cut back and give up activities I enjoyed.  I had to say goodbye to many, many friends, and a community in which I was known and respected.  I had to come to terms with unfulfilled desires.  I had to give up a boy, which proved difficult in a different way than with my only other boyfriend.  I struggled, and still struggle with making friends in a new place.  I experienced loneliness in a deeper way than ever before.  I worked hard at school.  Satan tried to wrest my hopes away from me, but God wouldn't let them be swept away completely.

I learned about the power of the Holy Spirit and about God's voice, in a way that increased my desire, humbled my self-image, and yet led to more frustration with a lesson on patience and perseverance.  I learned that God wants to be my best friend.

What has God been teaching you lately?