Sacrifice II

Perhaps it is more sacrificial of a sacrifice if no one knows that what you're doing is a sacrifice to you.  The reason they might not know is because for them, it is the good life.  But you have different desires and for you it is a sacrifice.  Or does no one ever truly sacrifice?  For a Christian who "lays down her life to find it," doesn't she lay it down because what she gives up is truly lesser than what she gains?  And it wouldn't be a noble sacrifice at all to forgo eternal joy as a sacrifice to endure the pains of life without Christ.  No, what is sacrificed must be given up for something that is truly better, though often painful in the mean time.  Here is what the Lord says about this: "To obey is better than sacrifice."  So do not sacrifice merely for the sake of sacrifice, but obey the Lord and be willing to sacrifice everything, should he ask.

I'm realizing more and more that I WANT to live overseas in the future.  I have imagined raising my kids in another country.  Whenever I hear of young families going overseas, I think to myself, "someday that will be me and my family," and I start looking forward to it.  I think that for me to live in America and raise my kids here, would feel like a sacrifice.  But for most people the opposite is true.  So it feels like, "why would I need to sacrifice that if I could do what no one else wants to do and love it?"  The Lord is working faithfully, to bring me to maturity, though I know not where he will lead .  I hope to delight in the Lord's will, for in the center of his will is not sacrifice but abundance.

I wrote a sort of poem (what my father mockingly calls doggerel--despite iambic pentameter, no less!) along these lines:

King of Circumstance

Thought I had figured out who I would be,

Knew how I'd go, and where and what I'd see,

But questions come that force me to my knees,

Was this a plan for life, or merely training dreams?

Perhaps their purpose lay inside my heart

So inclination would not stray too far.

I pause and sigh, with nervous backward glance,

And turn my gaze to King of Circumstance.

It seems my path will make another turn,

The New Way is more diff'cult to discern.

Wherefore the views my heart has grown to yearn?

Are these mere borrowed dreams I must return?

So shall I open soul to changing scene,

Humble myself to follow One Who Leads.

With firm resolve, but risking backward glance,

I fix my eyes on King of Circumstance.

I know not how He leads nor to what end,

I only know that He is faithful friend,

Who gives me more than I could ever spend,

Would He, in gentle love, my heart dare rend?

Mature his vision of what I must bear,

Prepared for heaven when I meet Him there.

A steadfast heart, with nary backward glance,

I fully trust my King of Circumstance.

Sacrifice to Go

For the eyes of Yahweh roam throughout the earth, to show himself strong for those who are completely his (2 Chronicles 16:9a).

In reading Amy Carmichael's biography, I have come to the part when Amy clearly hears God's command to her to "go."  It struck me how Amy was already doing the Lord's work in England, leading a ministry and Bible studies for the factory girls.  She was serving the Lord wholeheartedly and it hadn't really occurred to her to "go," but she felt the "cry of the heathen" in her heart.  For her, going meant leaving her widowed mother, her spiritual father and mentor, her ministry in England, her brothers and sisters, and probably never coming back.  Immense sacrifice.

I particularly like the words of Amy's mother, written in a letter to Amy:
"He who hath led will lead
All through the wilderness,
he who hath fed will surely feed. ...
He who hath heard thy cry
Will never close His ear,
He who hath marked thy faintest sigh
Will not forget thy tear.
He loveth always, faileth never,
So rest on Him today--forever."

I admire Amy's struggle to be willing to sacrifice.  I admire her obedience.  For me, the thought of one day going overseas again has never involved too much sacrifice.  It is more of my preference.  Perhaps it would be more of a sacrifice for me to stay here, somewhere in the US.  Does the Lord always lead us towards sacrifice?  Probably in one way or another, because his heart is that we be matured and sanctified, not satiated by worldly circumstances, but satisfied in him.

P.S. Amy and her family started a family newspaper, and I love that idea as a way of encouraging my future kids to write and think about ideas with each other, and work towards deadlines, but also fun!

Kingdom of Couches

Do people need me or do I need them?  In church, when I go to talk to people after the service, is it because I want to serve them and care for their needs, or is it because I want them to know me, be familiar with me, and like me?  Let's not kid ourselves, it's the second one.  What about in frisbee?  What about in lifegroup?  What about when I'm hanging out with friends?  This needs to change.  This needs to change because I am acting selfishly and the Bible specifically tells me not to act this way.  It says "do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought," and "look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."  The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I recently reread part of a book (a really good book called the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker)  that asked the question: "Would you rather go to heaven now, or later?"  The author went around asking people this question and found that most people said later, because they still wanted to enjoy life for a while.  I mean, I find myself thinking there are still things I want to do here on earth too, and they're not particularly spiritual things besides the fact that they fit into my spiritual life quite nicely.  You know, I want to get married to a really godly guy, I want to have kids and raise them to love Jesus, and I want to tell people about Jesus in another country, potentially because that's a really acceptable excuse to live in another country.  If heaven is really way better, which it is, then it definitely makes sense for me to want to go there right away, instead of hanging around to enjoy life.  Paul's attitude in Philippians is that he wants to go to heaven and prefers it, but knows he needs to stay on earth longer to encourage all the churches he is mentoring.  Pretty much, he is staying for others, and not for himself.  He is living missionally.

Anyway, the Lord is really wowing me with this idea this afternoon, so I'm going to try to live it.  I will most likely fail, but please feel free to remind me to live to serve others whenever you see me messing up.  This post is dedicated to two wise women who gave me advice less than a month ago to be kind, and to serve others.  And also to my didi, who told me to lavish resources on others. 

For an excerpt of the book, the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker, go here: http://crupress.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/files/products/kingdom.pdf

From the Bible

¹ How the king rejoices in your strength, O Lord!
      He shouts with joy because you give him victory.
 ² For you have given him his heart’s desire;
      you have withheld nothing he requested.
Psalm 21:1-2

I just like these verses.

For my kids:

Well, no I don't have any of my own kids yet (not even close), but I always find myself thinking about them.  I think of activities that would be fun to do with them, and I think of things I want them to learn, things I want to teach them, and creative ways to help them learn those things that are important.  I've always loved kids.  They are so fun, and when I am with them, my mind is always working.  Life becomes simpler, and I find myself thinking of life in terms of how I could explain it to the kids around me.

What is there to explain, you ask?  There are so many things I learned when I was growing up, but some things I wish someone had explained to me.  And it's not that no one explained it to me, it's just that no one explained it to me in a way that I "got it."  Or I just wish I had "gotten it" earlier.  It feels like life would have been easier or have made more sense if I had just understood sooner.  Or like I would have been able to have practiced more or experimented more effectively with my actions if I had known sooner.

Life is continual discovery.  I always want to keep learning new things, even when I am old.  Perhaps thinking about what I want to teach my kids is just a way that I try to cement the things that I am learning in my own mind.  Because I know that in order to be an effective teacher I must appropriate what I am learning to my own life.

They will have so much to learn, so it is impossible to teach them everything.  Above all, I want my kids to love Jesus!  I want them to learn to follow him in everything, and run to him with every concern.  I want them to experience his peace, love,  and joy just like I do!

In this spirit, posts may follow to explain some of what I want to teach my kids.

Unfinished Stories

Have you ever wondered what to say when someone asks how something or someone has changed your life?

My experience usually goes something like this:
Question I read in a book: "How has Jesus changed your life?"
My thoughts: "I'm supposed to have a great answer to this question."
Book: Gives wonderful example answer involving turning from a life of addiction, dramatic conversion experience, and ninjas.
My thoughts: "hmm, my story isn't really like that."  "What is my story?"  "Why can't I think of anything?"  "Did Jesus really make a difference in my life?"  "Sarah, don't be silly, of course he did!  You have learned and grown so much!"  "Why can't I think of anything?"

I mean, my story isn't like the other stories I hear that sound, well, exciting and dramatic.  My story feels much more steady and even-keeled, with no huge turning points, only lots of little ones.  It's always bothered me that I find it difficult to answer the question, "How has Jesus changed your life?"

I think it's because all my stories are unfinished.  There's nothing I can look at and say, "I used to really mess this up, but now I get it right."  It doesn't mean I'm not changing and learning, it just means I'm learning and changing more of the same things continually.

Here are some of the dimensions where my life keeps changing:
Learning to spend time with Jesus
Knowing Jesus
Learning who Jesus says I am
Learning to share and be generous
Learning humility
Learning to love other people with actions
Learning to communicate acceptance with words

There are many others, those are just the few that come to mind at the moment.  The thing is, they're all unfinished.

When I was 22...

I started my 23rd year with a long day of interviewing for grad school.  It turned out to be the longest, most tiring interview out of all of them.  It also turned out to be worth it, since it was an interview for the school I now attend as a first year Counseling Psychology doctoral student.  Because I planned to be at interviews all day, my expectations were very low.  I didn't expect anyone I was around to know it was my birthday, and none of the people who knew it was my birthday would have access to me.  So I was delighted when my parents called me internationally to wish me happy birthday, as I was being driven to campus.  And the day ended with ice cream and a good conversation with my host, who is now my roommate!

In my 23rd year God provided for me greatly.  He got me accepted at one school, so I would know where to go.  He affirmed me in his plan for me by giving me a housing offer from my roommate, the very same day I decided to go to the program.  He also gave me funding through an assistantship two days later.  He had me invited to go to a church at an interview, so that I would want to check out the sister church in the town I ended up in.  And that church has made all the difference here.  God graduated me from college.  He gave me rest during the summer.  He gave me a life in a new town.  He gave me a road bike AND a car.

There were many hard things.  I struggled to learn how to rest.  I had to cut back and give up activities I enjoyed.  I had to say goodbye to many, many friends, and a community in which I was known and respected.  I had to come to terms with unfulfilled desires.  I had to give up a boy, which proved difficult in a different way than with my only other boyfriend.  I struggled, and still struggle with making friends in a new place.  I experienced loneliness in a deeper way than ever before.  I worked hard at school.  Satan tried to wrest my hopes away from me, but God wouldn't let them be swept away completely.

I learned about the power of the Holy Spirit and about God's voice, in a way that increased my desire, humbled my self-image, and yet led to more frustration with a lesson on patience and perseverance.  I learned that God wants to be my best friend.

What has God been teaching you lately?

Hopes and Fears for Counseling

The purpose of the present post is to complete an assignment.  Surprisingly, though an assignment, this post will be a reflective post.  Fortuitously I have one class this semester that requires regular reflective posts.  But rest assured, I also already have academic papers that have been assigned for the semester, so practice on that front will be unavoidable.
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What are my hopes and fears for counseling this semester?  In learning a new skill it is only natural that I hope to be good at it.  Yes, I hope that the people I counsel will experience positive change in their lives as a result of our time together.  I hope to be a good listener for each client I see.  I hope that my clients feel accepted and encouraged by me.  I want to be a voice of encouragement in situations of despair and disappointment.  I want to help my clients gain insight into their lives.  I hope that they will get a glimpse of God's love for each of them, through me.  I hope my clients will trust me and be honest with me.

However, I also know that I will not be good at counseling.  So I have hopes to learn this semester.  I hope to learn from my supervisor, my peers, and my clients about things I am doing well, things I am doing poorly, and things I can do to improve.  I hope to learn to how to solicit honest feedback from my clients.  I hope to receive feedback well, and to learn much from it.  I hope to gain insight and method in the way that I think about individual clients, reflect on past sessions, and plan for future sessions.  I hope that a theory will find me, or at least begin to find me.

Practically, I hope for a good caseload.  I hope for clients who will be reliable in returning phone calls, coming to appointments, and calling to cancel an appointment.  I hope for very few no-shows, even though I have been told this wish is unlikely to be fulfilled.

I also hope, as in everything that I do, to learn more about God through counseling.  I hope to gain his heart of compassion for each person I meet with.  I hope to understand his purpose for me and for the world in a deeper way.  I hope to hear from him what he thinks about each of my clients, and commit each of them to him in prayer.

I fear going into sessions and not knowing what to do or what to say.  I fear being panicked when the time comes to bring the client in from the waiting room.  I fear handling an emergency or a suicidal client, and messing up the procedure for what I'm supposed to do at the CAC.  I hope to commit these fears to God in prayer, so that I am not overwhelmed by them.

I am afraid of disappointing my supervisor, because I want his approval.  I hope for a great relationship with him.

I worry that I will be so busy with other schoolwork that I will neglect doing things that I should to prepare for sessions.  I do not know how much time I will spend watching tapes and preparing for sessions.  I think that there will always be more that I could do to prepare, and I worry about not doing enough.  Thus I fear not being able to manage all my responsibilities well, and being distracted in all I undertake.  I hope to find a good balance.
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I wonder if this post would have been much different if I had also included expectations.