Sacrifice II

Perhaps it is more sacrificial of a sacrifice if no one knows that what you're doing is a sacrifice to you.  The reason they might not know is because for them, it is the good life.  But you have different desires and for you it is a sacrifice.  Or does no one ever truly sacrifice?  For a Christian who "lays down her life to find it," doesn't she lay it down because what she gives up is truly lesser than what she gains?  And it wouldn't be a noble sacrifice at all to forgo eternal joy as a sacrifice to endure the pains of life without Christ.  No, what is sacrificed must be given up for something that is truly better, though often painful in the mean time.  Here is what the Lord says about this: "To obey is better than sacrifice."  So do not sacrifice merely for the sake of sacrifice, but obey the Lord and be willing to sacrifice everything, should he ask.

I'm realizing more and more that I WANT to live overseas in the future.  I have imagined raising my kids in another country.  Whenever I hear of young families going overseas, I think to myself, "someday that will be me and my family," and I start looking forward to it.  I think that for me to live in America and raise my kids here, would feel like a sacrifice.  But for most people the opposite is true.  So it feels like, "why would I need to sacrifice that if I could do what no one else wants to do and love it?"  The Lord is working faithfully, to bring me to maturity, though I know not where he will lead .  I hope to delight in the Lord's will, for in the center of his will is not sacrifice but abundance.

I wrote a sort of poem (what my father mockingly calls doggerel--despite iambic pentameter, no less!) along these lines:

King of Circumstance

Thought I had figured out who I would be,

Knew how I'd go, and where and what I'd see,

But questions come that force me to my knees,

Was this a plan for life, or merely training dreams?

Perhaps their purpose lay inside my heart

So inclination would not stray too far.

I pause and sigh, with nervous backward glance,

And turn my gaze to King of Circumstance.

It seems my path will make another turn,

The New Way is more diff'cult to discern.

Wherefore the views my heart has grown to yearn?

Are these mere borrowed dreams I must return?

So shall I open soul to changing scene,

Humble myself to follow One Who Leads.

With firm resolve, but risking backward glance,

I fix my eyes on King of Circumstance.

I know not how He leads nor to what end,

I only know that He is faithful friend,

Who gives me more than I could ever spend,

Would He, in gentle love, my heart dare rend?

Mature his vision of what I must bear,

Prepared for heaven when I meet Him there.

A steadfast heart, with nary backward glance,

I fully trust my King of Circumstance.

Sacrifice to Go

For the eyes of Yahweh roam throughout the earth, to show himself strong for those who are completely his (2 Chronicles 16:9a).

In reading Amy Carmichael's biography, I have come to the part when Amy clearly hears God's command to her to "go."  It struck me how Amy was already doing the Lord's work in England, leading a ministry and Bible studies for the factory girls.  She was serving the Lord wholeheartedly and it hadn't really occurred to her to "go," but she felt the "cry of the heathen" in her heart.  For her, going meant leaving her widowed mother, her spiritual father and mentor, her ministry in England, her brothers and sisters, and probably never coming back.  Immense sacrifice.

I particularly like the words of Amy's mother, written in a letter to Amy:
"He who hath led will lead
All through the wilderness,
he who hath fed will surely feed. ...
He who hath heard thy cry
Will never close His ear,
He who hath marked thy faintest sigh
Will not forget thy tear.
He loveth always, faileth never,
So rest on Him today--forever."

I admire Amy's struggle to be willing to sacrifice.  I admire her obedience.  For me, the thought of one day going overseas again has never involved too much sacrifice.  It is more of my preference.  Perhaps it would be more of a sacrifice for me to stay here, somewhere in the US.  Does the Lord always lead us towards sacrifice?  Probably in one way or another, because his heart is that we be matured and sanctified, not satiated by worldly circumstances, but satisfied in him.

P.S. Amy and her family started a family newspaper, and I love that idea as a way of encouraging my future kids to write and think about ideas with each other, and work towards deadlines, but also fun!

Revelations from Procrastination

Things are changing inside of me, always.  Usually the change is gradual and not very noticeable, but this week there was a pretty abrupt change.  It came, not surprisingly, after a conversation with my parents.  We had been talking about a particular homework assignment, that I felt bad (bad is rather an understatement of something better described as terrible, depressed, or hopeless) about because I considered myself two weeks overdue, still having written nothing and having little to no idea how to do the assignment, paired with about the same amount of motivation.  My parents were somewhat surprised (perhaps even shocked?) to discover that I was that far behind on an assignment.  When I considered their reaction, I decided that I also was shocked.  Shocked.  That's not who I am, and not what I want.  Sarah does not finish her assignments late.  I spent the next day or so mourning the loss of my former self, during which time I also took two personality inventories for one of my classes.  This only compounded my grief, because the inventories asked me to rate the truth of statements like "I always turn in work on time" or "I work steadily towards deadlines" or "I am reliable."  I could not honestly endorse those items, and personality profiles are supposed to be enduring features of a person's way of being in the world, so it felt like I was forever changed.

Beauty is born out of ashes, and out of my grief came a newfound resolve to dedicate myself to the rigors of graduate school.  The first thing I decided was that I would not play ultimate frisbee until I had finished the assignment.  I decided this on a Tuesday and I was supposed to play in league that night.  I also usually play pick-up ultimate on Fridays and Sundays.  Ultimate is a great way to exercise; the only problem is that when I play ultimate it rarely takes less than three hours per occasion.  This led to something that has not happened in quite some time: I spent a weekend at home, not traveling anywhere, in which I did not play ultimate or hang out with my ultimate frisbee friends.  I also took a real Sabbath (day of rest to remember that God is the one who provides for me, and he can do it without my help, so it's appropriate for me to take a day off) on Saturday.  Mine have been rather lame lately, including travel and days that were scheduled almost to capacity.  This time not only did I not do work, but I also did not plan more than two activities with other people.

This series of rare events led to many discoveries:

• Six extra hours on a weekend is quite significant, though it's more like ten extra if you count the amount I usually hang out with my frisbee friends
• Biking is awesome and I love it
• Naps are also awesome
• I like doing homework at a relaxed pace, and I learn a lot more that way too
•  There are cool people in my life who I usually don't have time to hang out with
• I am addicted to recognition from groups of people (I discovered this after church on Sunday when I found myself disappointed that I didn't get any invitations to Easter lunch/brunch, even though I knew it would be better for me to come home, relax, and study.  Once I got home I truly enjoyed getting to relax at home instead of being in a group of people talking.  This is true in many other circumstances as well, but I constantly find myself accepting invitations to hang out with people and undervaluing time I get to myself at home.)

I wish I could write more because my thoughts related to this topic are nowhere near finished, but that homework assignment is calling my name ;)

Community

How do those who come out of cohesive families, but themselves remain single, deal with their loss of family as primary community?  What are the core elements of experiences of rejection or inclusion?  Many people seem to find meaning from how they are, or are not, relating to other people.  Is that meaning entrenched in the hearts of all?


Definition of COMMUNITY (from Merriam-Webster online)

1

: a unified body of individuals: asa : state, commonwealthb : the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly : the area itself <the problems of a largecommunity>c : an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common locationd : a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society <a communityof retired persons>e : a group linked by a common policyf : a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests <the international community>g : a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society <the academiccommunity>

Everyone experiences community in at least one of the ways described by the definitions above.  My favorite combination of those definitions would be: a unified body of various kinds of individuals, interacting together in a common location and linked by common interests or beliefs.

My family as community could be described as: a group of individuals with a common history, sharing their emotions, reflections, and decisions with each other.  That was my first community, and my primary community for 18 years.  I wonder how it shaped my view of communities now.

Kingdom of Couches

Do people need me or do I need them?  In church, when I go to talk to people after the service, is it because I want to serve them and care for their needs, or is it because I want them to know me, be familiar with me, and like me?  Let's not kid ourselves, it's the second one.  What about in frisbee?  What about in lifegroup?  What about when I'm hanging out with friends?  This needs to change.  This needs to change because I am acting selfishly and the Bible specifically tells me not to act this way.  It says "do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought," and "look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."  The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I recently reread part of a book (a really good book called the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker)  that asked the question: "Would you rather go to heaven now, or later?"  The author went around asking people this question and found that most people said later, because they still wanted to enjoy life for a while.  I mean, I find myself thinking there are still things I want to do here on earth too, and they're not particularly spiritual things besides the fact that they fit into my spiritual life quite nicely.  You know, I want to get married to a really godly guy, I want to have kids and raise them to love Jesus, and I want to tell people about Jesus in another country, potentially because that's a really acceptable excuse to live in another country.  If heaven is really way better, which it is, then it definitely makes sense for me to want to go there right away, instead of hanging around to enjoy life.  Paul's attitude in Philippians is that he wants to go to heaven and prefers it, but knows he needs to stay on earth longer to encourage all the churches he is mentoring.  Pretty much, he is staying for others, and not for himself.  He is living missionally.

Anyway, the Lord is really wowing me with this idea this afternoon, so I'm going to try to live it.  I will most likely fail, but please feel free to remind me to live to serve others whenever you see me messing up.  This post is dedicated to two wise women who gave me advice less than a month ago to be kind, and to serve others.  And also to my didi, who told me to lavish resources on others. 

For an excerpt of the book, the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker, go here: http://crupress.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/files/products/kingdom.pdf