In a conversation I had with a few family members today, I realized that perhaps the voice I use in my reflective posts comes across as melancholy or in need of encouragement. Of course, I am always appreciative of encouragement, but I want to set readers at ease, that the voice you might have interpreted as depressed in the birthday posts is merely what my reflective voice sounds like. I was not trying to send a message to my friends and family that they need to try harder at making me feel special on my birthday. It was not meant to make anyone feel guilty. I am sorry if that is what it became to some of my readers. Really I was not upset at all, because a birthday is still what it always was. I anticipate this birthday will be about the same as any birthday, just because it is a birthday. The posts were merely an honest, interested examination of some of the thoughts that go through my head when I think about birthdays.
By my reflective voice I mean my thoughts. I suppose that even my family members have not really heard my thoughts prior to my writing a blog. To me it seems quite normal and calm. If I were to define my reflective voice it would be defined as such: an honest exploration of my thoughts on a given topic. When I write a reflective post on this blog, it is just putting my thoughts into writing. Prior to writing the present blog, I never really shared much of my written thoughts with anyone. Perhaps I did on Xanga a few times in high school, but other than that it only appeared in my mind and in the spiritual journals I keep.
There are, naturally, many times that I try to share my thoughts verbally. These are however, a slim slice of all the things I think. As anyone who knows me can attest, I am a thinker more than a speaker. My friends often catch me looking up or off to the side in the midst of conversation, as I try to organize and compose my thoughts. Sometimes I am successful and am able to say what it is that I think. Other times I drift off into just thinking or a daze, I'm not quite sure what it should be called, and I cannot catch the thoughts. If someone asks me what I was thinking I will say I don't know, and that is usually honest, because I cannot remember. The thoughts just ran together, leading from one to the next.
My looking up or off to the side can be offsetting, just as perhaps my reflective prose can be. Many times I have been asked if I am sad or concerned about something, when I was only thinking. By now I have learned they are referring to the expression I had while thinking, so I quickly reply, "Oh no, sorry, that is just my thinking face!" As we get to know each other better, friends learn to recognize and accept the thinking face, and associated pause.
Friends often tell me they wonder what I am thinking, so I have tried to get better at expressing at least some of what I was thinking when I made a thinking face or paused for a moment. I do not want my friends to be afraid that I am harboring negative opinions of them, and think that is why I do not say what I was thinking. That is very rarely the case, but I suspect that less well known friends often wonder if that is the reason for my pause. I am merely digesting an organizing something that was said, trying to decide what I really think.
By my reflective voice I mean my thoughts. I suppose that even my family members have not really heard my thoughts prior to my writing a blog. To me it seems quite normal and calm. If I were to define my reflective voice it would be defined as such: an honest exploration of my thoughts on a given topic. When I write a reflective post on this blog, it is just putting my thoughts into writing. Prior to writing the present blog, I never really shared much of my written thoughts with anyone. Perhaps I did on Xanga a few times in high school, but other than that it only appeared in my mind and in the spiritual journals I keep.
There are, naturally, many times that I try to share my thoughts verbally. These are however, a slim slice of all the things I think. As anyone who knows me can attest, I am a thinker more than a speaker. My friends often catch me looking up or off to the side in the midst of conversation, as I try to organize and compose my thoughts. Sometimes I am successful and am able to say what it is that I think. Other times I drift off into just thinking or a daze, I'm not quite sure what it should be called, and I cannot catch the thoughts. If someone asks me what I was thinking I will say I don't know, and that is usually honest, because I cannot remember. The thoughts just ran together, leading from one to the next.
My looking up or off to the side can be offsetting, just as perhaps my reflective prose can be. Many times I have been asked if I am sad or concerned about something, when I was only thinking. By now I have learned they are referring to the expression I had while thinking, so I quickly reply, "Oh no, sorry, that is just my thinking face!" As we get to know each other better, friends learn to recognize and accept the thinking face, and associated pause.
Friends often tell me they wonder what I am thinking, so I have tried to get better at expressing at least some of what I was thinking when I made a thinking face or paused for a moment. I do not want my friends to be afraid that I am harboring negative opinions of them, and think that is why I do not say what I was thinking. That is very rarely the case, but I suspect that less well known friends often wonder if that is the reason for my pause. I am merely digesting an organizing something that was said, trying to decide what I really think.
Your reflective tone can come across as melancholy, but I think that somber is a better description. I think it sounds melancholy because when people talk they are constantly flavoring their words with a slight positive tint, and a sentence without inflection makes a reader or listener think that the speaker is unable to say or express their words with a positive attitude.
ReplyDeleteI think I know just what you are talking about, since I sense the same thing in myself.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time and among people who didn't know me very well it got me a reputation for wisdom. This was a good thing for me, since it encouraged me to try to live up to the reputation.
No pressure.