Revelations from Procrastination

Things are changing inside of me, always.  Usually the change is gradual and not very noticeable, but this week there was a pretty abrupt change.  It came, not surprisingly, after a conversation with my parents.  We had been talking about a particular homework assignment, that I felt bad (bad is rather an understatement of something better described as terrible, depressed, or hopeless) about because I considered myself two weeks overdue, still having written nothing and having little to no idea how to do the assignment, paired with about the same amount of motivation.  My parents were somewhat surprised (perhaps even shocked?) to discover that I was that far behind on an assignment.  When I considered their reaction, I decided that I also was shocked.  Shocked.  That's not who I am, and not what I want.  Sarah does not finish her assignments late.  I spent the next day or so mourning the loss of my former self, during which time I also took two personality inventories for one of my classes.  This only compounded my grief, because the inventories asked me to rate the truth of statements like "I always turn in work on time" or "I work steadily towards deadlines" or "I am reliable."  I could not honestly endorse those items, and personality profiles are supposed to be enduring features of a person's way of being in the world, so it felt like I was forever changed.

Beauty is born out of ashes, and out of my grief came a newfound resolve to dedicate myself to the rigors of graduate school.  The first thing I decided was that I would not play ultimate frisbee until I had finished the assignment.  I decided this on a Tuesday and I was supposed to play in league that night.  I also usually play pick-up ultimate on Fridays and Sundays.  Ultimate is a great way to exercise; the only problem is that when I play ultimate it rarely takes less than three hours per occasion.  This led to something that has not happened in quite some time: I spent a weekend at home, not traveling anywhere, in which I did not play ultimate or hang out with my ultimate frisbee friends.  I also took a real Sabbath (day of rest to remember that God is the one who provides for me, and he can do it without my help, so it's appropriate for me to take a day off) on Saturday.  Mine have been rather lame lately, including travel and days that were scheduled almost to capacity.  This time not only did I not do work, but I also did not plan more than two activities with other people.

This series of rare events led to many discoveries:

• Six extra hours on a weekend is quite significant, though it's more like ten extra if you count the amount I usually hang out with my frisbee friends
• Biking is awesome and I love it
• Naps are also awesome
• I like doing homework at a relaxed pace, and I learn a lot more that way too
•  There are cool people in my life who I usually don't have time to hang out with
• I am addicted to recognition from groups of people (I discovered this after church on Sunday when I found myself disappointed that I didn't get any invitations to Easter lunch/brunch, even though I knew it would be better for me to come home, relax, and study.  Once I got home I truly enjoyed getting to relax at home instead of being in a group of people talking.  This is true in many other circumstances as well, but I constantly find myself accepting invitations to hang out with people and undervaluing time I get to myself at home.)

I wish I could write more because my thoughts related to this topic are nowhere near finished, but that homework assignment is calling my name ;)

Community

How do those who come out of cohesive families, but themselves remain single, deal with their loss of family as primary community?  What are the core elements of experiences of rejection or inclusion?  Many people seem to find meaning from how they are, or are not, relating to other people.  Is that meaning entrenched in the hearts of all?


Definition of COMMUNITY (from Merriam-Webster online)

1

: a unified body of individuals: asa : state, commonwealthb : the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly : the area itself <the problems of a largecommunity>c : an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common locationd : a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society <a communityof retired persons>e : a group linked by a common policyf : a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests <the international community>g : a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society <the academiccommunity>

Everyone experiences community in at least one of the ways described by the definitions above.  My favorite combination of those definitions would be: a unified body of various kinds of individuals, interacting together in a common location and linked by common interests or beliefs.

My family as community could be described as: a group of individuals with a common history, sharing their emotions, reflections, and decisions with each other.  That was my first community, and my primary community for 18 years.  I wonder how it shaped my view of communities now.

Kingdom of Couches

Do people need me or do I need them?  In church, when I go to talk to people after the service, is it because I want to serve them and care for their needs, or is it because I want them to know me, be familiar with me, and like me?  Let's not kid ourselves, it's the second one.  What about in frisbee?  What about in lifegroup?  What about when I'm hanging out with friends?  This needs to change.  This needs to change because I am acting selfishly and the Bible specifically tells me not to act this way.  It says "do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought," and "look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."  The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I recently reread part of a book (a really good book called the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker)  that asked the question: "Would you rather go to heaven now, or later?"  The author went around asking people this question and found that most people said later, because they still wanted to enjoy life for a while.  I mean, I find myself thinking there are still things I want to do here on earth too, and they're not particularly spiritual things besides the fact that they fit into my spiritual life quite nicely.  You know, I want to get married to a really godly guy, I want to have kids and raise them to love Jesus, and I want to tell people about Jesus in another country, potentially because that's a really acceptable excuse to live in another country.  If heaven is really way better, which it is, then it definitely makes sense for me to want to go there right away, instead of hanging around to enjoy life.  Paul's attitude in Philippians is that he wants to go to heaven and prefers it, but knows he needs to stay on earth longer to encourage all the churches he is mentoring.  Pretty much, he is staying for others, and not for himself.  He is living missionally.

Anyway, the Lord is really wowing me with this idea this afternoon, so I'm going to try to live it.  I will most likely fail, but please feel free to remind me to live to serve others whenever you see me messing up.  This post is dedicated to two wise women who gave me advice less than a month ago to be kind, and to serve others.  And also to my didi, who told me to lavish resources on others. 

For an excerpt of the book, the Kingdom of Couches, by Will Walker, go here: http://crupress.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/files/products/kingdom.pdf

Family Blessings

Today my family blessed me.  They celebrated my recent graduation with a meal, and each family member gave me a piece of advice.  They advised me to…

CE: learn to cook many things before I get married.

BR: give guys a “no thank you” date.

CS: eat at least 7 meals a week unless I am fasting.

AN: avoid making big decisions out of desperation.

GB: review any decision I make with the Lord.

GM: be kind.  And also to ask my grandma about everything, because she knows.

CO: make sure he’s the one before you jump the gun.

UA: consider long courtship and short engagement.

DS: avoid perfection.

ML: be a servant to all, especially Jesus.

BJ: lavish my resources on others.

I loved receiving their advice, because I knew they spoke to bring good things into my life and not harm.  Each person also spoke out of their own life experiences and values, mixed with what they know about me as a person.  And they also prayed for me, which was the best of all.  I felt loved.

It didn’t hurt that we ended the evening with a hilarious game of signs, in which my grandpa’s sign was picking his nose with his pinky finger.  This was followed by a cousin dance-off, and much laughter.

Therefore, I am preparing to enter a new year in kindness, serving others, and lavishing my resources.  By God’s grace, eating will continue to come naturally to me, and perfection will be avoided.  I’ll have to keep working on my cooking and carefully handle my decisions.  The dating and engagement advice will have to wait a while longer though.

From the Bible

¹ How the king rejoices in your strength, O Lord!
      He shouts with joy because you give him victory.
 ² For you have given him his heart’s desire;
      you have withheld nothing he requested.
Psalm 21:1-2

I just like these verses.

For my kids:

Well, no I don't have any of my own kids yet (not even close), but I always find myself thinking about them.  I think of activities that would be fun to do with them, and I think of things I want them to learn, things I want to teach them, and creative ways to help them learn those things that are important.  I've always loved kids.  They are so fun, and when I am with them, my mind is always working.  Life becomes simpler, and I find myself thinking of life in terms of how I could explain it to the kids around me.

What is there to explain, you ask?  There are so many things I learned when I was growing up, but some things I wish someone had explained to me.  And it's not that no one explained it to me, it's just that no one explained it to me in a way that I "got it."  Or I just wish I had "gotten it" earlier.  It feels like life would have been easier or have made more sense if I had just understood sooner.  Or like I would have been able to have practiced more or experimented more effectively with my actions if I had known sooner.

Life is continual discovery.  I always want to keep learning new things, even when I am old.  Perhaps thinking about what I want to teach my kids is just a way that I try to cement the things that I am learning in my own mind.  Because I know that in order to be an effective teacher I must appropriate what I am learning to my own life.

They will have so much to learn, so it is impossible to teach them everything.  Above all, I want my kids to love Jesus!  I want them to learn to follow him in everything, and run to him with every concern.  I want them to experience his peace, love,  and joy just like I do!

In this spirit, posts may follow to explain some of what I want to teach my kids.

My theory

...or really my passion--I've discovered it!

Families are my passion.  I want to help families be whole and healthy.  I want to help parents raise their kids well.  I want kids to feel loved and invested in by their parents, and to be best friends with their parents, just like I am with mine.  I absolutely love the experience I had growing up in my family.  And I want everyone to be able to say the same thing.

Every family is different, but I think a family is successful when kids feel substantially equipped by their parents, and emotionally close to their parents, so that when they grow up, children and parents are able to relate to each other as close friends, able to mutually encourage each other.  A child should feel that his parents are his most supportive allies.  I believe this kind of encouraging and supportive relationship can be maintained even through developmental years.

I have often tried to put these concepts together in my mind, sort of in search of a theory to neatly summarize what makes a family good.  Here are my thoughts on a few key components:
Consistent time together: families need consistent time spent together to be friends with each other and get to know each other.  The time spent together will foster the most openness and support if vulnerability and value are present in those times.
Vulnerability: mutual sharing of concerns, struggles, dreams, desires.  Sharing the deep places together vulnerably contributes to closeness in a family and enables them to understand one another.  It also leads to opportunities to value each other.
Value: Communicated a number of ways, value is placed on others especially in moments of vulnerability.  It comes through empathy, encouraging words, words of hope about the future, speaking to a person's identity, and also through physical touch and all the other love languages.

Parents are responsible for arranging/requiring consistent times of interaction for the family.  Within those times parents must invite vulnerability and model valuing of family members, and vice versa as well.  Children will grow into these traits as they see them modeled are invited by parents to practice them.

So I realize this post is a little over-enthusiastic and simplistic, but it's a work in progress.  Thoughts?  Additions?